Free Refills

This all happened today:

I played some of the best games of tennis I’ve played, and also some let’s put it this way contrasting-quality games. I saw a checker at Trader Joe’s at the last moment prevent a shopping cart with a car-seated baby inside be pulled over by his messing-around bigger brother. I had a delicious lunch at a new-to-me Abq breakfast/lunch joint that I quite liked. One of my very dearest and closest friends told me he has an impending date with a very attractive woman. In Alamosa, a dude who introduced himself as Warrior let me ride his monkey-barred single speed fat bike with–fuck yes–coaster brakes. (“Yo, man,” I called out when he first rode by. “Sick ride!”) Later, I saw a sunset that would have killed a person with a weaker constitution.

So yeah, I think you could say it was a good day.

Today marks four years to the day since my father died. I am in New Mexico, marking the day with my family. At this point, the day is more a celebration of love and a life well-lived than it is a day of heaviness and grief. Still, today the writing process gets to be easy. My Wimbledon wrap-up can wait until tomorrow.

If you were writing a typical preview piece, you’d talk about each player remaining, describing their history and how you see them performing today, and then you’d make a prediction.

You’d talk, first of all, about Cilic and Querrey, and say things like “Cilic has the experience of winning a Grand Slam, and is less likely to be overwhelmed on this big stage, but Sam Querrey has twice shown himself to be a giant-killer at Wimbledon, and is overlooked at Cilic’s peril.” You’d point out that Cilic and Querrey have met twice before at Wimbledon, and that each time Cilic has prevailed in the fifth. (The more recent of the two, in 2012, was 17-15.) You’d probably say, as many writers have, that Cilic looked like a dark horse to compete for this title from the very get go, and that, based on the quality of his play, that assessment has only strengthened over the course of his tournament.

Then you’d talk about Federer-Berdych. You’d mention that Berdych has twice beaten Federer in Majors, including once at Wimbledon. You’d write about how Federer absolutely erased Tomas Berdych at the Australian earlier this year, 6-2 6-4 6-4, taking only 90 minutes to win three sets, but then had to stave off two match points to beat Berdych in Miami back in March, 6-2 3-6 7-6 (6). You’d talk about Federer being perhaps the best grass court player ever, but you’d also talk about how Berdych’s game seems quite suited for grass, and how sometimes Federer’s concentration can slip, and how that’s a risk given that all three of his main rivals are out of the tournament. You’d suggest, correctly, that if Federer doesn’t maintain his concentration, we’ll be seeing Tomas Berdych in Sunday’s final. But then you’d conclude by saying that Federer, the greatest of all time, playing some of the best tennis of his career, is certainly the favorite.

What you probably wouldn’t say in a typical preview piece is that you are rooting hard for Federer–whom in your heart you call Roger, as though he were a friend, because of all the pleasure he’s brought you over the years–that you want to see him win with a fan’s fervent wanting, and that you are a little afraid of that wanting. You are afraid of how it will feel if it doesn’t turn out that way. You’ve been here before, after all. Remember how great Roger was playing back in the summer of 2015? The only problem was that Djokovic was playing better, and took both the Wimbledon and US Open titles from him, and both times your heart broke a little. When Roger was down a break in the fifth at the Australian this year, you tried to gird yourself against that impending sadness, and when Roger broke Rafa and then broke him again, you exulted, you felt joy, but you were relieved as well.

You would try to maintain a little journalistic integrity, but deep in your heart you know what you want, and you’re afraid that with that wanting you might jinx it. That’s an irrational fear, of course, except that you know that you are looking ahead. In your fervent wish that it be Roger who hoists the trophy on Sunday, you are looking ahead, and you worry that you are in some way screwing things up for him. “Only play the next point,” you tell yourself, as though you are on the court. “Stay centered. Don’t look ahead.”

But look. Cilic, Querrey and Berdych are all fine tennis players. They are all capable of doing amazing things on the court. But it is Roger who makes your heart go pitter-pat, Roger who does things that look simultaneously effortless and like magic. It is Roger who represents to you, perhaps more than any other athlete you’ve ever seen, the beauty of the capacities of the human body as witnessed through sports. For all that he’s given you, you feel, he deserves this. He deserves this as a bit more magic in a magical career. And you feel bad for saying that, because you know that just because you like that story, his opponents aren’t exactly going to get out of the way for him. And you worry about saying that, because you worry that in putting that energy out into the world, you risk distracting him.

But you can’t help it. The heart wants what it wants.

Right from the start, Muguruza seemed calm, confident and positive. Rybarikova seemed negative, like if she didn’t hit perfect shots right away, she’d assess that she never would. And she basically never did.

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Venus-Konta was one of those matches in which my assessment of why one player beat the other is just that one player was a little bit better. I know that sounds tautologically ridiculous, but sometimes that’s the best descriptor of what happened. Venus and Jo Konta have a similar game, built on strong first serves and powerful groundstrokes. Both are vulnerable on their second serves. So what happened? Venus served a little better and returned a little better, especially against the second serve, and that put Konta under continually growing pressure. Eventually Konta started cracking.

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Venus Williams’ 1000-megawatt smile is one of my favorite things in sports.

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At this point in their careers, Muguruza, at her best, is like Jo Konta but a notch better. Venus Williams isn’t afraid of anybody except perhaps Serena. If both come out playing their best, expect a really entertaining final.

Of all the matches in the quarters, I thought Venus-Ostapenko seemed the most must-watch. Ostapenko has been on quite a roll (obviously), and I figured she could threaten Venus. But during the match, I was struck by just how straightforward and businesslike Venus was. No real displays of emotion, just going about her business and handling Ostapenko without too much trouble.

Later, in thinking about the match, I realized just how ridiculous my initial assessment was. Just exactly how many times has Venus played against Serena, the human manifestation of “hitting the felt off the ball?” Ostapenko hits the ball huge, but she lacks Serena’s mental toughness and has a below-average serve. Throw in that we’re on Venus’s favorite surface, and it seems highly unlikely that Ostapenko would do much to intimidate or threaten Venus.

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I know Jo Konta has been on the radar for a couple of years now, but her rise still strikes me as totally meteoric.

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Muguruza. Her match against Kerber was the best match she’s played since she won the French a year ago. Against Kuznetsova, she looked confident and comfortable. Where the hell has this woman been for the past year, and how did she show up again now?

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Rybarikova. I still don’t know what to say about her. You obviously don’t make the semis by accident, but I was struck more by the tentativeness of Vandeweghe’s play in their match than anything that Rybarikova particularly did.

Murray-Querrey: Chris Fowler kept expressing surprise that Murray wasn’t serving more powerfully, but didn’t seem to want to reach the obvious conclusion that Murray’s hip was really bothering him. Big Sam played a solid match, but does Andy Murray really lose the final two sets one and one if he’s one-hundred percent?

Djokovic-Berdych: Twitter was very angry with Wimbledon today, blaming Djokovic’s retirement today on the fact that he had to play his round-of-16 match yesterday instead of Monday. I kinda doubt it. Sure, an extra night of recovery would help. Recovery always helps. But if his arm was so bad he had to retire two games into the second set, do we really think another twelve or fourteen hours of recovery was going to get him to one-hundred percent, or even close? I think not.

Cilic-Muller: I thought there was no way the Muller was going to have anything left in the tank to challenge Cilic with. Boy was I surprised. Only in the fifth set did it finally look like his legs were starting to fail him. An incredible tournament for him. I hope he finds similar success during the North American hard-court season.

Federer-Raonic: Hey, remember last year when Raonic beat Federer in five to book himself a spot in the final? Today’s match looked absolutely nothing like that. Federer took Raonic apart for the first two sets before struggling a bit in the third, but overall, he handled Raonic’s huge serve comfortably, and was far too good in all other aspects of the game.

I don’t normally share this kind of thing, but I was zero-drafting about the experience of watching Manic Monday as it was happening, and then Nadal-Muller turned out to be the amazing match that it was, so what follows is more or less my notes on the experience. If/when I write more about Manic Monday (both what happened on-court, and my experience with watching), these notes will guide that writing.

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10:32am MDT, 5:32pm in London: Federer-Dimitrov 3-3 on Centre. Nadal down two sets but up a break, 5-3, in the third on Court 1. Zverev up a set and serving 5-6 on Court No.2. Thiem and Berdych on serve early in the fourth, Berdych up two sets to one. You tell me: what should I be watching?

11:00am MDT. I expected Zverev-Raonic to go to a tiebreak, but no, somehow Sasha got broken, so now we’re even at one set apiece. Federer won the first set in his match without facing a break, and we’re on serve early in the second. Nadal has just gone up a break in the fourth–are we going five? And Thiem has just gone into a fifth set, so I’m watching that one. And in his first service game of the set, Thiem gets broken. By 11:01am, Thiem has gotten broken. Now does Berdych fly the rest of the way, holding his serve easily game after game?

11:08am. Roger’s gotten the break, and is holding his service games with the momentum of a freight train. Zverev has gone up a break against Raonic and is serving up 4-3. Nadal is serving to consolidate. And by 11:10am, Berdych has held again, now up 4-1. Is this one over? Should I be watching Raonic-Zverev? (At the same time, Roger has just broken Dimitrov a second time and will be serving for the set on Centre.)

11:15am. Berdych up 4-2 30-0 and serving out of his mind. Thiem just can’t get a toe-hold in a Berdych service game right now.

11:17am. Game, Berdych. No sense watching Thiem’s service game. Let’s go over to Raonic-Zverev. Oops, Zverev about to serve for the set at 5-4, we’re on a changeover. Over to Nadal, just in time to see him hold serve at love to take things to the fifth set.

11:19am. Think about this. My favorite player in the world [Federer] is playing, and he’s cruising so comfortably that I’m watching three matches ahead of it.

11:21am. An ace at 40-30 gives Zverev the third set, 6-4. Over to Thiem-Berdych, where Thiem has held. I see him force an error to go to 15-15, then fail to return to make it 30-15. A serve-and-one forces an error from Thiem, and it’s match point. And Berdych finishes with an ace out wide. 6-3 6-7(1) 6-3 3-6 6-3.

11:29am. I predicted Rafa would win comfortably. ESPN just showed a graphic that showed that Rafa has three times in his career come back from two-sets-to-love down. The last time was at Wimbledon back in 2007. 1-1 here, Muller next to serve.

11:41am. Muller holds, 3-2 on serve. I switch over to Federer-Dimitrov for the first time in 45 minutes, and see Federer down 15-40. I was expecting to see this match basically over. Federer saves two break points but faces a third in the first deuce and Dimitrov breaks. 4-4 on serve in the third. I check the score for Raonic-Zverev: we’re on serve 3-3.

11:46am. A point on Dimitrov’s serve. Federer is running back and forth, Dimitrov totally in control of the point, but then puts a routine backhand into the net. 15-40.

11:47am. Dimitrov saves one break point with a serve-and-one, puts a forehand long in the second despite a good serve and a so-so return. 5-4 Federer, serving for the match.

11:49am. Still on serve in Nadal-Muller. Nadal up next serving at 3-4.

11:50am. Federer holds at 15. 6-4 6-2 6-4.

11:55am. Muller holds again. Nadal will be serving at 4-5. Both men have been holding comfortably. Meanwhile, something is happening at Raonic-Zverev, but I’m not leaving here.

11:58am. Muller takes advantage of a ball that bounces high off the net cord to rip a shot down the line to Nadal’s forehand. Nadal’s whip forehand lands in the net. 0-30.

12:00pm. Holy shit, Nadal double faults. Double match point.

12:00pm. Ace up the T. 30-40.

12:01pm. Wide serve to the forehand, Muller puts it into the net. Deuce.

12:02pm. Wide serve to the backhand, Muller goes crosscourt, wide. Ad-in.

12:02pm. Serve up the T, ace. The crowd erupts. 5-5 on serve.

12:03pm. The level on display here is just ridiculous.

12:04pm. Great serving by Muller. He holds at love, finishing the game with a serve and drop-half-volley.

12:10pm. After the changeover, Nadal holds at 30. 6-6. No tiebreak. Wheee!

12:11pm. I hope someone I know is somewhere watching this. I’d text everyone I know, but you know. Holy crap this is good.

12:14pm. At 40-30, Rafa returning from way back, Muller tries a first-ball dropshot–and plays it into the net. Deuce.

12:15pm. Muller second serve down the T, Nadal whips it long. Ad-in.

12:15pm. Wide serve, goes for the forehand and-one, into the net, deuce.

12:16pm. Serve down the T, return comes short, Muller pulls his reply wide. Ad-out.

12:16pm. Ace up the T. Deuce

12:17pm. Muller. Serve and volley, a couple of tough backhand volleys, the first behind Nadal, the second for a winner.

12:17pm. Another serve up the T, Nadal gets only his frame on it. 7-6.

12:19pm. Nadal puts an inside-out forehand from well inside the court into the net. 0-15.

12:21pm. Ace up the T. 30-15.

12:21pm. Because of the magic of the DVR, when this is over I’m going to go back in time and watch Zverev-Raonic, whatever is happening over there. Also, Muller pounces on a second serve, takes a weak response from Nadal and blasts a forehand down the line, 30-30.

12:22pm. Nadal serve-and-overhead, 40-30.

12:22pm. Serve up the T, return goes long. 7-7.

12:26pm. Muller, serving with new balls, holds at 30.

12:29pm. It strikes me as almost insane to say this, but I think Muller is holding more easily. Once again, Nadal lose the first point to go down love-15. But Muller can’t return the serve and it’s 15-all.

12:31pm. Game, Nadal. Relatively straightforward. 8-8.

12:31pm. Muller, unreturned serve. 15-0.

12:32pm. 2nd serve wide, Muller takes the return short and plays his crosscourt forehand back behind Nadal. 30-0.

12:32pm. Oof. Double-fault. 30-15.

12:33pm. Nadal takes a second serve, returns backhand to backhand, Muller goes long. 30-30.

12:34pm. Nice serve, Nadal’s backhand into net. 40-30.

12:34pm. Second serve. A Muller forehand, well wide. Legs getting tired? Deuce.

12:35pm. Serve and volley, then ace. 9-8 Muller.

12:37pm. Great point, Nadal wins with a dropshot from the service line.

12:38pm. Ace. 30-0.

12:39pm. Holy crap, I’ve got to stop writing down every point. It’s just too much.

12:39pm. Nadal holds at 15. 9-9.

12:40pm. Actually, I hope every single person I know is watching this.

12:43pm. From 40-15 up, Muller plays three tight points in a row, and it’s break point. Holy shit.

12:44pm. I think Nadal has it, taking a backhand well inside the court crosscourt, but Muller pushes his backhand down the line for a winner passing shot. Deuce.

12:44pm. Serve and volley, Nadal’s return pops up, Muller lets it go, it hits the line. Ad-out.

12:45pm. Serve out wide, then drop half-volley (sort of–too deep). I think Nadal has the backhand passing shot lined up, but it goes long. Deuce.

12:45pm. Serve up the T, Nadal returns short, easy forehand for Muller about halfway to the service line–and he hits the tape and it drops on his side. Ad-out.

12:46pm. Nadal hits a crosscourt forehand a little tight and long, deuce.

12:46pm. Absolutely ridiculous. Muller serves up the T with good spin, Nadal puts it high and not very strong, Muller volleys to the forehand side from the T, Nadal gets there and whips his shot down the line around Muller for the winner. Curved it in. Ad-out.

12:47pm. Second serve. Called long, then overruled. Holy shit. Nadal challenges. But on the line. Muller gets a first serve. Nadal’s final challenge, also, by the way.

12:47pm. Muller first serve up the T, hits the line, ace.

12:48pm. Muller kick serves to the backhand, gets the short ball, blasts his and-one crosscourt for a clean winner. Ad-in.

12:49pm. Another serve up the T, ace, game. 9-10. That’s four break-points saved, for those of you keeping score at home.

12:52pm. A great point by Muller, drop shot and then lob to the backhand, Nadal’s backhand overhead goes wide. Love-30.

12:53pm. Serve and one, 15-30.

12:54pm. Good defense from Muller, but Rafa is just too good. Inside out forehand for a clean winner. 30-30.

12:55pm. MATCH POINT MULLER.

12:56pm. Nadal saves, an incredible point.

12:56pm. Serve and inside-out forehand for a winner, ad-in.

12:57pm. Great reach by Muller to just get a forehand volley, hits the line, puts it away on his next shot. Deuce.

12:58pm. Too good. Match point #2.

12:59pm. Mishit return. Deuce.

12:59pm. Muller has the opening, goes for the forehand dropshot, hits the net. Ad-in.

1:00pm. Holy fucking shit. Serve-and-one from Nadal forehand, Muller slices a backhand down the line, Nadal reaches for it and plays the half-volley at an impossible angle. Muller wouldn’t have gotten there if he could teleport. 10-10.

1:02pm. Straightforward hold for Muller. 10-11.

1:07pm. Nadal hit forehands into the net on the first two points. They rally, Nadal looking a bit tired–but Muller pulls the trigger on a backhand dropper that goes well wide. 15-30. Then a serve up the T forces a long return. 30-30. Oops. Doubtless ruing the chance squandered with that attempted dropshot. Serve and i-o forehand gets Muller to hit into the net. 40-30. Serve and mishit return, game. 11-11.

1:10pm. Serve and volley, low backhand into the net. 0-15.

1:10pm. Serve and one, forehand down the line. 15-15.

1:11pm. Weird forehand slice from Muller goes wide. 15-30.

1:11pm. Rafa has shot at a second serve, into the net. 30-30.

1:12pm. Actually, I hope everyone in the country, plus everyone in Spain, Luxembourg, and England, is watching this.

1:12pm. Muller escapes at 30. New balls after the changeover.

1:16pm. For lunch, I just had: pretzels.

1:17pm. 12-12.

1:18pm. The crowd needs to blow off some steam, does the wave. Hooray!

1:20pm. Hold at love for Muller. 12-13.

1:24pm. Hold at love for Nadal. 13-13.

1:27pm. Muller holds at 15. 13-14. Seems that Muller is taking advantage of Nadal’s extreme depth on the service return to come to net again and again for easy putaways and short points.

1:30pm. Muller gets up to net, puts away a volley winner to go up love-30.

1:32pm. After a Muller unforced makes it 15-30, Muller gets to see a second serve, Rafa mishits, and it’s double match point.

1:32pm. Rafa serves up the T, but Muller appears to be looking for it, he’s moving before the ball is hit. Deep return down the middle to the forehand. Nadal plays it short-ish up the middle, Muller is stepping in and hits his forehand inside out, and now he’s on the attack. Nadal’s backhand is relatively short to the middle, Muller whips a forehand crosscourt, Nadal, deep, hits a forehand, and it sails a little long. Game, set, match, 6-3 6-4 3-6 4-6 15-13. HOLY SHIT WHAT A MATCH.

1:39pm. I try to go back in time to see what the hell happened with Zverev, who was up 40-15 in that last service game in the fourth set and somehow lost the game and the set. But I buffered with the DVR rather than recording, and the buffer is only–“only”–an hour-and-a-half long. I just barely missed seeing the critical points, and you know what? Fine. I watched enough tennis today.

Holy shit what a match that was.

It’s my goal to be at Wimbledon next year, and I look forward to having to figure out how to navigate what has come to be known as Manic Monday, when they play all 16 matches, eight each for the men and women, in the round of 16. Today I’ll be watching on TV with six channels of coverage, and it is almost impossible to figure out what to watch. I am enjoying imagining being there. What would I choose to watch? They’ve got matches on six different courts, and you can only be at one place at a time. And check out this list of matches for today:

The Women

• (1) Angelique Kerber vs. (14) Garbiñe Muguruza. Last year’s finalist versus 2015’s finalist.

• (7) Svetlana Kuznetsova vs. (9) Agnieszka Radwanska. A two-time Grand Slam winner versus the 2012 Wimbledon finalist.

• Magdalena Rybarikova vs. Petra Martic. (Two unseeded players about whom I know little. I don’t actually have anything to say about this match.)

• (5) Caroline Wozniacki vs. (24) Coco Vandeweghe. Former world number one and two-time U.S. Open finalist versus the rapidly improving American, who played her first Slam semi at the Australian earlier this year.

• (10) Venus Williams vs. (27) Ana Konjuh. The five-time Wimbledon champion versus a player who wasn’t even born when Venus first played here.

• (13) Jelena Ostapenko vs. (4) Elina Svitolina. This year’s French Open champion, who just turned 20, on a rocket trajectory to the sport’s highest levels, against a player who’s never been past the quarters of a Major, but who has been consistent enough to bring her ranking up to fifth in the world. Svitolina is only 22; expect to see this match-up many times over the course of their careers.

• (6) Johanna Konta vs. (21) Caroline Garcia. The British number-one, whose improvement over the past two years has been nothing short of astonishing, against the sometimes-controversial Frenchwoman, already having her best-ever Wimbledon, seeking her second-straight Slam quarterfinal.

• (2) Simona Halep vs. Victoria Azarenka. The player who really should have won the French Open this year, against a two-time Slam winner and former world number-one.

I have sometimes referred to the women’s game as “Serena Williams and a parade of also-rans, but it’s sure not that at Wimbledon this year. I know little about Rybarikova and Martic, but all the other matches are fascinating match-ups.

The Men

• (1) Andy Murray vs. Benoit Paire. The two-time Wimbledon champion against the insane short-shorts-wearing Frenchman.

• (24) Sam Querrey vs. Kevin Anderson. The American who knocked off Djokovic here last year against a former top-ten player trying to rise in the rankings again after struggles with injury.

• (4) Rafael Nadal vs. (16) Gilles Muller. Rafael Nadal has so far this year only been the runner-up at the Australian and the champion at Roland Garros. You could call that a pretty good year. Gilles Muller is playing at his career-high ranking.

• (7) Marin Cilic vs. (18) Roberto Bautista Agut. One of three players outside the Big Four to win a Slam title since 2006 and a definite dark-horse contender here, against the always-tough, just-dispatched-Nishikori Bautista Agut.

• (5) Milos Raonic vs. (10) Alexander Zverev. Last year’s finalist against the rapidly maturing, has-all-the-tools Sasha Zverev.

• (3) Roger Federer vs. (13) Grigor Dimitrov. The Greatest of All Time against a player with a very similar style of play, whose five-setter against Rafael Nadal in the semis of the Australian this year took enough out of Nadal’s legs that Federer was able to get that break back in the fifth set of the final.

• (8) Dominic Thiem vs. (11) Tomas Berdych. They say Thiem’s monster power game isn’t suited to grass, but he’s easily having his best Wimbledon ever. He’ll certainly be tested against the powerful, big-serving veteran Berdych.

• (2) Novak Djokovic vs. Adrian Mannarino. Is Novak back? This may not be the match in which the former number-one gets tested, but Mannarino was able to put Gael Monfils out of his head-case misery in the last round, so he can’t be disregarded here.

The men’s matches aren’t quite as juicy as the women’s, but still: holy crap. If we expect Murray, Djokovic and Nadal to all win easily, and if I’m going to let the Querrey-Anderson and Cilic-Bautista Agut matches go by unwatched (and I am), then that still leaves three terrific-looking matches.

If you need me today, you can find me in front of the TV.

It was right around 10am MDT, and I had the Bethanie Mattek-Sands vs. Sorana Cirstea match on my second screen, watching it in between points on whatever I had on the main screen. I glanced down to see Cirstea, looking deeply concerned, step over the net onto Mattek-Sands’ side of the court. “Oh no,” I thought. “She’s not injured?” Mattek-Sands lay on the court, clutching her right knee. I heard screams, and thought at first it was Cirstea in a panic. Had Mattek-Sands suffered some freak, horrific compound fracture? But it wasn’t Cirstea screaming. It was Bethanie Mattek-Sands screaming out again and again and again, “Help me!”

My heart broke for her.

They showed replays of the point. She had advanced to net, split-stepped, and then crumpled. She fell to the ground, clutching that knee. She screamed and screamed and screamed. The TV cameras showed people in the stands covering their mouths in horror. Her husband scrambled from the player’s box to the court to comfort her as best he could. Medical staff seemed terribly slow to arrive. She lay on the court for a long, long time. Her doubles partner, Lucie Safarova, showed up in tears. Safarova hugged members of Mattek-Sands’ family. Finally they stretchered Bethanie away.

As I write this, Friday afternoon my time and late Friday evening in London, there are no further reports on the injury. A report on the WTA website says only that she suffered an acute knee injury, and that she’s been to the hospital for scans. The level of pain did not seem consistent with what I’ve witnessed of knee ligament damage. A commentator on Twitter suggested that it could be a patellar tendon rupture, and that, if so, her career is likely over.

It is hard to overstate just how cruelly, tragically unfair this injury is. Team Bucie, as Mattek-Sands and Safarova call themselves, had won the last three Grand Slam titles in women’s doubles and were the heavy favorites to win Wimbledon–completing the Team Bucie Slam–and looked good for a run at the U.S. Open, and thus the calendar Slam, as well.

Bethanie–I’m mostly going to call her Bethanie from now on, because I care about her in the stupid, misguided way that fans care, where we think we know someone because we’ve invited their image into our living rooms–has been one of my favorite players since I first saw her play, back in the 3rd round of singles at the 2015 U.S. Open, when she played Serena Williams. I had just that summer began to find my way into an obsession with tennis, and so most of the players were still new to me, and I’d never heard of Bethanie Mattek-Sands, but I liked her right away. She had flair, something immediately evident in her appearance–the tattoos, the wild clothes (that day, a red spaghetti-strap tank loosely over a red jog-bra, and black knee socks) the orange highlights in her hair–as well as her play. She came out serving-and-volleying, and she took the first set from Serena, and I wondered why I’d never heard of her before. She was so much fun to watch.

And she has continued to be fun to watch. Her singles results were inconsistent, to say the least, and I never could quite figure out what kept her from more success on the singles court. But whatever it was, she played with an aggressive swagger that has kept me watching ever since. (I rarely was able to watch her play doubles. Doubles doesn’t get televised very frequently, and when it is, it’s not heavily promoted.)

So something else we have lost with her injury: a player of charisma, someone who steps outside the bounds of what reads as “normal” for a professional tennis player, in terms of appearance, attitude, and style of play.

I’ll say again: it breaks my heart.

Will she ever play again? I’m sure no one yet know. With an injury as severe as this one appears to be, you figure, best case, a year of rehab to play again and another year to return to top form. Bethanie is 32 right now. She’ll be 34 by then. At what point does the cost simply become too high, the struggle too great?

Even if she never plays again, her story hasn’t by any means ended. I find myself turning questions over in my mind, worrying on her behalf. Who will she be now? What will her life look like? The sport that has given so much to her over the course of her life has certainly taken from her as well. She must right now be feeling great uncertainty and great fear. You don’t become half of the top-ranked women’s doubles team without being one hell of a fighter, and surely she will fight as she moves forward in her life, whatever comes, but right now I imagine she must be wondering what exactly she’s going to be fighting for.

There are no easy morals to this, no simple feel-good sentiments to express. A terrible thing happened. All of us who love the sport lost something in that moment, but it is nothing compared to what she lost. By what she lost, I don’t mean simply or even mostly the wave of competitive success she’d been riding on. I imagine it has been far, far more terrible is to have lost the innocence that things are pretty much okay. I touch empathically on how she must have felt lying on that court screaming while hundreds of people looked on helplessly, and I skitter away from the feeling. It is far easier to contemplate my heartbreak as a fan than to allow myself to begin to feel what she was feeling.

Maybe it is trite to say that I send her love, but I don’t know what else to do.

All love to you, Bethanie Mattek-Sands. It has been an honor and a pleasure to get to watch you play.

Free refills is my resumé.