If the initial drafting is a study in welcoming imperfection, and the moment of publication an acknowledgment of it, how do I make the editing a bridge that maintains that spirit?
It came with a conscious choice, one that I admit I still struggle with every day. I wanted to make sure that the deepest spirit of the zero draft remained intact, so I began giving myself a piece of permission that both thrilled and scared me: not only would I allow the piece to not be perfect, I would allow it to be imperfect. (And yes, there's a difference.) Several times already since I started publishing on this blog, I've discovered something that wanted to be said, but I wasn't entirely happy with how I expressed it despite several attempts to smooth it out, so I'd just leave it in there. I've chosen to publish the struggle to not attach to the struggle. By freeing myself to let hard things be hard, I don't have to make them harder.
That last point is really important. This isn't meant to be facile. I'm not doing this out of some desperate cry for mercy. There are two connotation to "surrender" and I'm trying to practice the one that's connotatively positive. I'm not giving up. I'm just not fighting.
Which is actually another way of saying that in this practice, I am trying to push myself. I am doing this with the express intention of improving, both technically and energetically. I am seeking to cultivate the ease that comes when energy is flowing freely. I understand now that we are channels for energy, and so we are meant to circulate energy within and through ourselves, and I have learned, too, that there is such a thing as too little energy flow--which leads to stagnation and depression--and such a thing as too much--which leads to burnout and exhaustion and, often, injury. (Note that injury isn't always physical. There are mental/psychic/emotional injuries as well.) Jerry calls this space of not-too-hot-not-too-cold, "the zone of moderation," and so now I do too. In that space, it's not that you aren't pushing yourself. You are. Stay within the zone of moderation and improvement becomes constant, consistent, and daily. Go beyond and it stops being sustainable.
That piece about sustainability is critical as well. This may be "just a blog," but for me it's also a piece in a much larger puzzle. I'm here for the long haul. This is the real work, and I ain't stopping.