I wrote this two years ago today to express what I was feeling while I and so many others stayed glued to our Facebook accounts, waiting for any news. I declined at the time to publish it, out of fear that it would make people angry, I guess. And then we got the news and it no longer seemed appropriate.
June 11th was two days after that year's Apogaea, an Apo of fun and consequence for me. I was supposed to be packing that day. A few days later, I'd leave for NM for the summer, to spend time with my dying father.
A friend of mine is missing out in the desert near Grand Junction. He went out dirt biking over the weekend and wasn't back Monday as expected. The police found his car (with phone inside) Monday night. As of right now (~12:30pm Tuesday), full search-and-rescue operations are underway.
I and many others are praying for his safe return. I've got a ton to do today, but I've found it hard to pull myself away from FB, waiting for any updates, hoping for good news. I bet I'm not the only one who is finding himself unable to do much else today.
Seeing so many people expressing their love and concern is heartening. It makes me feel better.
But I have to admit this as well: I am struggling with a lot of anger. I am writing this knowing that many people in our respective community will see it, and I'm certainly not trying to offend. Our community places great value on honesty, and so I'm hoping that people will meet what I say with the understanding that I'm trying to put to words what I feel so I can get it out and let it go and focus all my energy on his safe return.
The last I spent any real time with Nolus was in January of 2012. We went up to Jackson Hole together, and there I witnessed his thrill-seeking behavior at its most selfish and non-conscious. I watched him put other people, including myself, in very real danger, because of the pleasure adrenaline brought him.
Afterwards, I pretty much broke off my connection with him. I decided that someone who could so little pay attention to the safety of others in pursuing his own thrills was not someone I could trust. He spoke the language of consciousness but there was a big hole in his behavior, and so I cut him off.
Today, I have watched as anguish and trepidation and sadness have spread through our community and I have, like I said, been heartened by the love that people have expressed. But I have also been angry to see the anguish and sadness the situation has caused. Not to suggest that it was wholly preventable--I too enjoy sports like snowboarding and mountain biking, and I understand that accidents happen. But I remember going up the tram with him at Jackson Hole, and him heading directly to the out-of-bounds gate--without any avalanche training and without avalanche gear. I told him he'd have to go without me, and he did. So I know that things people do to prevent this kind of situation--leaving detailed itineraries, promising check-in phone calls, carrying extra water--would not have been actions he would have bothered with. Again, let me make it clear that I am not suggesting some kind of karmic retribution on him. I wish only his speedy and safe return. But I also witness this anguish--a friend of mine wrote, "I burst into tears. I couldn't help it"--and I think of how little he did to spare us from these feelings, and it makes me mad.
So this is my prayer to Nolus: come back safe, my friend. And after I give you the hug that I'm praying you'll be safe to receive, I'm going to express as clearly as I can what a total selfish fucker you have been and request that you start walking the walk of love for others instead of so often just talking the talk. Part of love is holding people accountable for their actions, is it not? I think it is. Through my feelings today it is clear that I never released you from my circle of love. When you return safely I will hold you to the responsibility of being within that circle. That is what I mean today by "I love you."
Come home safe, my friend.