"Maybe you should," said Dawn. "Sounds like an adventure."
Well, sure. But to what end?
That's not a question I usually want to ask when I'm talking about an adventure. Adventure--stepping, be it gingerly or boldly, into the unknown--qualifies as its own end. I admit that's something I've struggled to explore. All too often, I've chosen to wait tentatively on the sidelines of life, to my obvious detriment.
But with respect to Burning Man, it's a little different. I've been five times. Yes, of course, every year is its own adventure, but at the same time I have a pretty good feel for what the flavor of that adventure would be. And at this point the benefits of simply embarking on that adventure--throwing my stuff into a duffel bag, like I did ten years ago--isn't going to outweigh the costs in money, time, and energy.
Which is why I've been trying to express my idea for getting myself back onto the playa. It's calling me. But I know I need to offer more than just my presence there.
This isn't new. I recently found an email to my friend Ken from August, 2010. I wrote:
So I sold my Burning Man tickets on Friday. I kept getting messages from the universe telling me to take this year off, and finally I listened. It felt like I made the right choice, but I've been having little flashes, like visions, of life out on the playa, and it's making me mourn a little. An art car trundling past, some unknown DJ playing amazing thumping dubstep1; the midday sun beating down; weaving my bicycle through throngs of people; the way the light comes down at the middle of Center Camp--disconnected discrete moments and when each arises I feel a pang of loss. It may be the right choice but I'm going to miss it.
I felt this year that I needed to bring more than just myself and my self out to the playa. I needed to give back in some serious way, but that way never revealed itself.
This year, too, I will feel those pangs. And what I said next--"to give back in some serious way"--that's what I still need to do before I go again. So here I am.
As promised in yesterday's Refill, I will start by giving a few things to my first-timers, that they may find the pleasure and wonder and joy during their first visit to the playa that I did on mine.
1 Back in 2010, dubstep could still be amazing.