I tore my hamstring in a soccer game yesterday. That sickening pop in the muscle. That deep pain.
I did not casually push my body beyond its breaking point. I did not do so without reluctance and even resentment. I understood that in my behavior I was taking a risk, but because I place great value on loyalty and keeping my word, because I felt like I had made promises to others, today I find myself in pain, barely able to walk.
Perhaps I need to realign my values.
Today I am angry. Today, sometimes, I practiced avoidance. Though I am in no denial about the severity of the injury, today, sometimes, I checked out into the easy single-mindedness and time-passing of my favorite video game. I escaped. Today I felt like escape was okay.
I'll have to be careful, going forward, about using escape as a coping tool. I'm prone to depression, and I'm facing (best guess) eight to ten weeks of very limited exercise. I rely on exercise to keep my mood elevated. In the weeks to come, it's going to be crucial that I only escape appropriately. That's an unusual thing to say, but it's true. I have to make sure I keep doing what needs to be done, lest I misuse escape and simply disappear.