Free Refills

I BET POSH SKIS A LOT TOO. I BET SHE WEARS SLIM-FITTING SKI JACKETS WITH FUR-LINED HOODS. POSH WAS NEVER ONE FOR BUSTING STEREOTYPES AT ALL.

Even if you’re reading this days after I publish it so that the event in question is long over, even if you aren’t a skier, first of all head over to opensnow.com and give a quick read of today’s Daily Snow.

Did you catch that? How twice in that piece Joel Gratz mentions free refills? He might as well be giving me high-fives.

The sun never sets on the Free Refills empire.

Competing in the Dew Tour today at Breckenridge, Shaun White threw both a frontside double-cork 1080 and a cab double-cork 1080 to come out of the qualifying round in men’s superpipe in first place. The dude absolutely shreds.

Also today, also at Breckenridge, I performed my patented switch heelside get-in-the-back-seat-and-then-fall-on-your-butt-uninjured so yes I think it’s fair to say I’m a bit of a shredder myself.

A description generally given with a certain admiration. The person who does not want, need, or care about our permission: We shake our heads a little. We give a little smile.

How much is it that admiration that explains how what initially looked like something of a practical joke on most of America appears increasingly likely to win the Republican presidential nomination?

WHICH SPICE GIRL DO YOU THINK WOULD BE THE BEST SKIER? OR SNOWBOARDER? SKIER AND/OR SNOWBOARDER?

I THINK MOST PEOPLE THINK IT WOULD BE SPORTY, BECAUSE HER THING WAS TO BE THE ATHLETIC ONE, BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE SEEMED MORE LIKE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO’D PLAY A LITTLE FOOTIE WITH THE LADS. THE TRACK SUIT AND ALL. I DON’T SEE HER AS A SNOW-SPORTS PERSON.

I BET IT WAS SCARY. WHICH WOULD SURPRISE A LOT OF PEOPLE, BECAUSE SHE’S BLACK, AND MOST PEOPLE THINK OF SKIING AS A WHITE-PERSON THING. BECAUSE THEY’RE RACIST.

I USED TO WONDER IF SHE WAS SCARY SPICE BECAUSE SHE’S BLACK, AND WHITE PEOPLE FIND BLACK PEOPLE SCARY. BUT NOW I THINK IT’S BECAUSE SHE BUSTED STEREOTYPES, AND ALL PEOPLE FIND PEOPLE WHO DEFY STEREOTYPES KIND OF SCARY. SHE WAS ALL ABOUT BUSTING STEREOTYPES

I BET SHE WAS A SNOWBOARDER, THOUGH. BECAUSE SKIERS FIND SNOWBOARDERS SCARY. THAT’S A STEREOTYPE THAT SHE’D EMBRACE.

“Wait. You’re saying you never even met her in person?” she asked, incredulously.

“Not never,” I replied. “We hung out a few times. But it was uncomfortable. Stilted. Most of our relationship lived in text messages and chat windows.”

“And yet you claim that you loved her?”

“Of course I loved her,” I said. “She was incredibly precise with her commas.”

The Martian anthropologist and I were talking.

“Someone sent me a link to a YouTube video of Justin Bieber sitting in on drums on a late-night show on television,” the Martian anthropologist said to me.

I brightened. “Oh yeah? I saw that, too.”

(I loved the way she spoke our idioms. Sitting in. She said it in exactly the way a human might react to tasting something profoundly delicious. Her whole body, down to the ends of both tails, gave a little shudder of pleasure.)

“After I watched it, I scrolled down to the comments.”

I sagged a little. “Oh.”

She noticed, of course. “Do you not think the people who comment on such things are representative of humankind?”

I sighed. “Sadly, I think they are all too representative.”

She was quiet for several seconds. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking. Then she said, “The first comment read, ‘He could have played drums in a metal band but instead chooses to be a faggot.’
This word, faggot, is not meant to declare that he is in some way like a bundle of sticks, but rather meant in the derogatory sense?”

“Very much in the derogatory sense,” I replied.

“Can you explain why?” she asked.

I sighed again. “Because the person writing the comment doesn’t like Justin Bieber, I guess.”

“And so spends time watching a video of him and then publicly disparaging him?”

“Yeah.”

“This is very strange behavior.”

“Yes, it is.”

She was quiet for another couple of seconds. Then she said, “Through my research, I have come to understand that the adjective modifying band is not meant literally. It doesn’t mean that Justin Bieber would literally play drums with musicians made from iron or steel. So in this context, what exactly does metal mean?”

But of course she sees you. You are here in this place, looking at her, and she sees you here, looking. From that, she adjudges you as someone incapable of ever seeing her.

How will you convince her otherwise? How will you convince her that her judgment is incorrect? You are undeniably here, and you are undeniably looking.

I said it before and I meant it: it’s just not worth the hassle. He’ll have stronger opinions than any sane person should about the way words are spelled. He’ll unabashedly use phrases like “the madness of English orthography.” Give a writer a little space, and he’ll write a story about the madness of English orthography, and then some kind of weirdly self-referential follow-up. This is the kind of stuff that’s rattling around in his head. Trust me on this. Save yourself the pain and the heartache.

I was talking with the Martian anthropologist. She had asked me to explain some of the features of our written language. I was explaining about the alphabet.

“The alphabet represents the base sounds of language with a manageable number of symbols, which get combined into patterns to express the building blocks of spoken language. I guess you’d call it a means of transcribing the phonetics of language into an efficient written form. Visually, you only need to remember a small handful of symbols, and everything derives from there.”

“Ah, yes,” she said. “We have something similar. Only …” she hesitated. “We have a couple of senses for which humans have no analogue, and we encode those senses as well into what you’d understand as written language.”

“Wow,” I said.

She performed a complex flexion of musculature around her upper mouth, along with a quiet, keening note from the lower. I’d come to recognize this compound gesture as her species’ version of a smile.

“Your alphabet seems like a very efficient system,” she said.

“Well, there are some issues,” I said, and I wrote down and pronounced the following words:

• bough
• cough
• tough
• though
• through
• thought

She was silent for a very long time. Finally, she spoke.

“I think I am finally coming to understand,” she said, “how it is that humans so regularly commit atrocities against each other.”