Bottom

Perhaps surprisingly, the Greatest Day was not the bottom.

On the Greatest Day, I learned that the universe would send me the help I needed, I only needed to ask for it.

It is very hard to ask for it.

The bottom was the day my heart hurt too much to ignore. I said, No more. There is no further to go on this path. I am making changes now, or I will surely die.

The bottom was the day when I had to ask for help.

That was August 3rd, 2014.

That day I was shattered pieces wrapped in skin, and I called people dear to me and I asked their help. I told them what I was experiencing and how I was thinking about moving forward and I asked them if my thinking was clear enough that I could trust it. I was in deep stress and anguish and I knew furthermore that my own decisions had gotten me to this place in my life, and without their feedback I didn't know if I could make it safely through. So I asked for help.

It was hard, my god it was hard.

I made a lot of changes, and quickly. There was no time to dabble. I put everything on the line.

And in the midst of all this was the night at poker when Jerry mentioned that he'd been struggling for many years to write his book, and I said, "I think I can help you with that."

I look back on that time and it's like I see another person's memories through my eyes.

I said that to Jerry recently, that things are so different now it's like I'm a different person.

Jerry said, "You are. You are a different person."

That was a dark time, and I lived much of it in the dark. In that stress I could only sleep a little more than four hours in a night. I'd wake up at 2:30am and sleep would disappear into the dark and I would lie there for hours.

Now, sometimes I open my eyes onto the light of breaking dawn and I start my day with a smile.