Treasure, Long Forgotten (I)

I rarely do much reading in my old notebooks. They're for a posterity more distant than today. But I opened this notebook to the first page, and saw the date of the first writing--July 31st, 2014--and said, "Holy shit. Things in my life had been pretty intense when I wrote that, but I had no fucking idea just how brutal a ride I was about to go on."

Three days later I hit Bottom.

What follows is from August 1st, 2014. I had no recall of ever having written anything like this, and seeing it pretty much blew my fucking mind.

About a month later, I started working with Jerry.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

I never understood that I could feel energy, feel vibration, until last Thanksgiving, when I realized that the madness surrounding Black Friday was making me crazy. "Just don't pay attention," people counseled, not unwisely. "That's the thing," I told them, wild-eyed. "I can't not pay attention. I feel it."

It was true, too, and since then I have begun to explore, in my halting, uneducated way, just what this sensitivity means, and also what happens within myself when I open the channel to energy and begin--again, with no skill save what I ignorantly stumble upon--to wield it.

At this point the truest statement I can make about the impact all this has had in my life is that the highs are higher, the lows lower, and there's less in the middle. Oh, and despite the newfound sensitivity and the power I have discovered sometimes flows through me, I am every bit as stuck in my life as I have ever been. Maybe that's an understatement. Maybe I have never been this stuck.

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