Today is one of those days. Today I expected to feel good but I don't feel good, and so I feed that bad feeling back into myself. Not just the feeling as it happens but the constant re-comparison between how I feel and how I expected to feel. Not just wallowing but, in a sense, digging. Making it deeper.
Since I awakened at 3am I have been trying to be everywhere except exactly where I am.
Outside the window, a brisk snow is falling. It's been warm and sunny recently and the snow isn't sticking on the roads, the roads are dark and wet and the puddles glisten in the light.
For a while I fought with the spring, because the winter was so good and I didn't want to let it go. But I look outside right now and I see it snowing and I see the road wet but not icing up. Springtime in the mountains: snow still falls when a storm moves in but the warmth continues to hold on.
Today is one of those days. One of those days when it is very hard to meet the day as it happens. Some days you ask, Can I relax into everything that is? And some days you ask, How do I best help the time pass?