Free Refills

I have twice today tried to zero-draft short anecdotes about my experiences so far in Barcelona, and twice I have seen those zero drafts expand and expand and expand, which means that the significnace of those anecdotes is greater than I initially thought.

Which, based on what the zero drafts taught me, makes sense. Were I to declare a common theme to these zero drafts, I might call it, “The Not-Flow of Alienation and Fear.” And I’d also be pleased to report that, though that theme describes my experiences thus far, it also comes with a promise, backed with decisive action, that I will do better. I came here to explore flow, and to declare to the world that I am truly ready to teach it. Apparently my first European student has to be/gets to be myself.

Sunday, 22 April

The metro route I had to take from the airport to my AirBnB wasn’t the most convenient, so it took me a while to get there–perhaps in the future I’ll choose my first place to stay partly around how many metro changes I need to make. Once I arrived, I was quite pleased–my host is very nice, my room is large and comfortable, and the location is good. (None of these things were surprises, really–the reviews on AirBnB all spoke similarly.)

I changed into more comfortable clothing (I left a cold Denver and arrived in a warm Mediterranean Barcelona) and went for a walk. Good choice. While the basic architecture didn’t strike me as radically different from other parts of Spain I’ve been to, it’s never ugly, and it’s fun being back among the narrow, non-gridded streets of Europe. Every place that isn’t a major road, a plaza, or a park feels kind of like a car-width canyon–look up to see the layers. I’m less enamored of urban living than I was when I was younger, but I still enjoy urban areas like Barcelona, where you can easily tell that most of the city evolved before there was such a thing as an automobile, and the scale remains decidedly human.

Holy shit! I leave tomorrow!

I intend to work pretty religiously during my travels. There will surely be much to write about from a travel perspective, from a career perspective, from a flow perspective, and from a personal perspective. I’ll definitely have a lot to say.

I also intend to keep my focus on drafting for A Way of Life. I’ve seen some good stuff show up over the past few weeks, and Jerry and I are committed to seeing the project to completion. I’m carrying that intent with me.

My hope is that I’ll keep up with Free Refills in some form like what I do now. Five updates a week is a good goal.

But I’m still looking at this period as “The End of the Beginning,” and I may find that it’s time to approach publishing in a new way. At the very least, I am certainly giving myself this allowance: I’ll maintain my intent to publish five updates per week, but I won’t worry too much about getting something up every single weekday. I’m not going to break away from whatever cool experience I’m having in order to open up the computer and get something on the website. I intend to work, but I don’t intend to get so wrapped up in work that I miss the magic of the moment.

T-Minus two days and counting.

As realizations go, this may be so stupid that it’s planning on voting for Trump for a second term but:

Yesterday I was trying to figure out my post-Barcelona plans and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. No, that’s not true. I was feeling a lot overwhelmed. So I got online and started looking at the map and at transportation options, just gathering some actual information instead of relying totally on, let’s face it, guesses, and when I got up from the computer, I recognized that I was feeling much less stressed.

So, the realization: when you’re faced with what feels like an overwhelming set of choices, do something–literally anything–to start narrowing down those choices, and you’ll start to feel better.

T-Minus three days and counting.

I have been telling myself that on this trip, as I travel through places where no one knows me and the cultural dictates differ from here, I don’t have to be anyone I don’t choose to be. I can live as far outside my usual patterns as I desire.

When I examine this belief, though, I’m not sure it holds up. How much is seven weeks of travel really going to change me? I spent four-and-a-half months in Spain in college, and, thinking back, I don’t know how many of my patterns changed during that time. (Granted, I was only twenty back then. Cultivating change wasn’t on my radar in the same way.)

Furthermore, I’ve made huge changes in my life over the past year, but nevertheless more days than not I play out the same patterns as I have for the prior umpteen years.

But there is one thing. I remember this from my time in my Spain. I was walking from the metro to my friend’s house for our weekly lesson exchange. (I taught him English, he taught me guitar.) His neighborhood was a relatively boring and not especially attractive part of Madrid, with nothing in particular to draw the eye, but still that was the moment that the entirety of my experience in Madrid came into a certain focus, and I said aloud, “This is the happiest I have ever been.”

T-minus four days and counting.

I’ve now booked two places to stay in Barcelona, in order to experience two different home bases in the city. I have my passport. I called my bank and let them know the countries in Europe I’ll be traveling to, so presumably my credit card won’t get denied anywhere. I finished my taxes yesterday. I have my travel backpack and all my toiletries and a bunch of clothes that I have to narrow down substantially. I’m planning on bringing a bunch of electronics, and I actually think I’ll use everything I bring. I haven’t made any other plans at all except for my return ticket. I’m going to another continent and apparently for me this is what passes for planning. Do you notice how these sentences are unfurling without obvious rhyme or reason? My (non-)planning looks a lot like that.

And it’s all going to be okay. It’s going to be better than okay. It’s going to be amazing.

T-minus eight days and counting.

A second vade mecum for this trip: The Science of Getting Rich, by Wallace Wattles. Jen Sincero recommends this book in You Are a Badass. She says this:

This is now easily the book that I recommend to people the most, and the one I read over and over. But you have to let a lot go because it will absolutely go up your nose if you’re still working on your issues around it being okay to make money.

I am still working on my issues around it being okay to make money. But I have no problem knowing flow when I see it, and Wallace Wattles writes as well as I have ever seen about the mindset and energetic focus needed to manifest true abundance into your life. This trip is, in large part, a statement of faith on my part that I can finally let go of my blocks to that manifestation, and as a reminder and a practice, this book is going with me as well.

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Links to these books:
You Are a Badass
The Science of Getting Rich

(The Science of Getting Rich is in the public domain, and so there are about 6,000 different editions of it. The above links to one of the editions I have. It’s of sufficient quality and it’s inexpensive.)

T-minus nine days and counting.

The teachings I offered myself over the past couple of days were solid teachings, but I have to admit that it’s not easy to be a good teacher to myself. I’m just a little too accustomed to being wrapped up in Student Ben’s struggles to maintain a solid Teacher Ben perspective.

Both a wise teacher and a wise student know that sometimes you have to call in reinforcements. I make sure that I still reach out to Jerry for help, because his teachings have made such a vast difference in my life and still do.

But I’m also calling in some help from outside. I’m rereading a self-help book called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. She’s a life coach, doing work not dissimilar from what I ultimately see myself doing. You Are a Badass is every bit as cheeseball as it sounds, but is also simultaneously so good and so dead-on that Teacher Ben nods in assent at every chapter he reads, while Student Ben sees the potential in the teachings and has to fight not to sprint into the safe space of resisting everything he sees there, lest he actually embody the changes he wants to see in his life. Sadly, it is Student Ben who needs to do the work here. Teacher Ben can only help keep him on track.

Here’s how much this book resonates with me: I intend to travel as lightly as possible for my trip, but I’m planning on bringing along a hard-copy of the book, in order to read it again and again and again until I believe it. Since the book preaches that to change your life, you have to believe in the not-yet-seen–Jerry says the same, and I have enough experience now that I do as well–then I have to find a way to practice the faith that I’ve been lacking.

One possible way to do so? Carrying around a self-help book as a vade mecum through weeks of travel through Europe. That seems to suggest a certain intention. If I were my teacher, I’d recommend it.

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Should you be interested in the book, here’s a link to it: You Are a Badass

Yes, this is an affiliate link with Amazon. But please know that I don’t take making recommendations like this lightly.

T-minus ten days and counting.

In response to Student Ben acknowledging that, despite his recent low morale about bringing flow more fully into his life, there actually have been some recent successes, particularly this winter on the ski slopes, Teacher Ben might also say this:

I teach in the realm of athletics because it’s a fun playground for experimentation. But the point of increasing flow while skiing/snowboarding was never just about being a better skier/rider. In truth, that’s closer to a side effect. The point of increasing flow is about living a better life. If you are honest about the work and continue to practice, you will see the improvements in flow you find on the ski slopes spread to other aspects of your life. Flow begets flow.